We’re all going to die, so let’s go shopping!

It’s that time of year folks – time to shop the Anthropologie Gift Guide!

In this ever depressing political climate, isn’t it nice to know that we can always depend on Anthropologie to provide us with unrealistic gifts that we can spend our hard earned money on? I mean, the buyers at Anthropologie are truly doing God’s work.

Let’s stay blessed and dive in, shall we?

Vivid Faux Fur Vest, $148

I’m not sure why something like this exists, but I am glad that it does because Anthropologie likes to keep one on the roster every year. However, this one is unique due to its sweater back. This feature may seem irrelevant, but it is not. This feature allows the wearer to pretend that they’re actually wearing something that is perfectly normal. From the front, the wearer of this atrocity is truly insane. But! But! But, from the back, they’re just wearing a really drab gray sweater vest. And don’t we all need to indulge in delusions every now and then?

 

Dottie Honey Pot, $20

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This is undoubtedly adorable.  The little gold dots and glazing cracks are all so very quaint. People who can utilize things like this are magnificent creatures. Still, I have questions. How does one use this as a honey dispenser and not waste all the honey? That hive dipper would have to be cleaned every time you use it. And I guess that’s what you do with spoons when you dispense honey any other way, but somehow, that doesn’t bother me as much. This irritates me at its inefficiency. Also, having to clean this after using all the honey (which is never going to happen because it will spoil before you use it all so you’ll be cleaning out wasted honey more often than not) would be annoying.

 

Sugar Cookie Measuring Cups, $32

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These are very cute and I guess that if you completely redecorate your entire house upon every new holiday, then this is appropriate. Purchase away! It’s obviously more of a decoration than practical use item. However, that’s where my practical mind shuts down. Spend $32 on decorative measuring cups that are more likely than not approximate measurements and thus not accurate that you can only use for a small fraction of the year…..but why tho?

 

Reindeer Candle Snuffer, $18.00

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Back to our dear friend, Delusional Nancy, whom we met when she purchased that woodland creature vest. Delusional Nancy thinks she is living in the 18th century. Delusional Nancy loves to be quaint and pretends she can’t just blow out a candle before she goes to bed. She’s also one of those who dabbles in the impractical and redecorates her entire house in preparation for the new holiday season.

 

Metallic 2018 Desk Calendar, $62.00

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I’ll admit that this is very pretty. I love desk accessories and I like shiny objects, so this is a double win for me. However, at $62 for a calendar that I will only be able to use one year…Imma have to say that’s a no for me dog. Pretty calendars are always a weakness for me. Especially ones that have sketches and pretty prints. But those can be repurposed as art to hang on the wall. This is just a hard card that has gold foil on the edges. That I can only use once. I don’t like things that I can only use once. I really don’t like spending $62 on something I can only use once. That’s not cool. Anthro, why you trying to keep me in the poor house?

 

Longwood Flower Clip, $18.00

This lovely desk set that will bruise the palms of your hands ranges from $18 to $26. The lengths that Anthropologies goes to in order to injure its consumer is becoming alarming. Are we not allowed to hold things comfortably anymore? Must every aspect of our life be rife with pain and suffering? Thanks, Trump!

Side note: Why does the ruler only go to 6 inches? Are we changing standard measurements now?
Also side note: Why do you even need a gold flower paper clip? What is the actual use for this? Am I missing out on clipping unwritten papers?

 

Daneson Flavored Toothpick Set, $46.00

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This is a thing? This is a thing that people use and want and spend money on? They come in flavors: cinnamint, mint, lemon, single malt, bourbon, and salted birch. Let’s move past the impracticality of these flavored toothpicks, because Anthro gonna Anthro. But, for $50 you can buy so many more toothpicks. Granted they don’t taste like salted birch (uh…you’re welcome) but you also will get more than 72 toothpicks. Canada, I thought better of you.

 

Orbitkey Stitched Key Ring, $39.90

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This is something I would totally buy if it was on sale and I had cash in my wallet and had possibly been out to brunch and partaked in a few mimosas. It reminds me of those Allen wrench sets and it’s also rather gadget like in its appearance. What can I say, I like tools and gadgets. However, this would cause me to have separate key chains for my car keys and my house keys and that’s just impractical – our word of the day!


Claude Dozorme Champagne Sabre, $598.00

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BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

Every list needs a good belly laugh inducing gift that will NEVER be actually purchased. I mean, please tell me someone has not actually purchased this. I need to see the P/L statement from Anthropologie for the end of the year. I need to have my mind put at ease.

 

Knomo World Travel Power Adapter, $79.00

This is something that I would LOVE to actually get as a gift. Not only do I like gadgets and tools, but I also love practical gifts. This would hit ALL THE BUTTONS! Hear that universe? Send me someone who will give me practical gifts! I don’t travel nearly enough to actually deserve this as a gift (cover your ears universe), but fortunately, this would be something that wouldn’t become outdated in two years, unlike some gadgets.

 

Little One Growth Chart, $42.00

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Ain’t this sweet! A cloth growth chart for kids that you can measure their height on- wait…no you can’t. You can’t really write on it and there’s no room to put little Florence’s height every year. HmmmmAlso, how you hang this will totally affect the accuracy of the height measurements.  So…..this is really just a $42 canvas that you can hang in your daughter’s room and collect dust. Nice.

 

And Then, Story Starters, $24.95

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I selected this because growing up, I loved story time with my mom. It supremely affected the way I regard stories and storytelling. So, in spirit, this is an awesome gift and I am here for it. However, I have questions. Like, why they gotta be cards? You know that they will end up scattered all over the floor. They will get lost, destroyed, chewed on by the dog. I feel that companies that manufacture children’s gifts do this shit on purpose. They create these awesome items and then they make them impossible to keep clean and whole. That way, you buy more. That way you stay hooked on the purchase train. Not cool.

 

Desaccord Tulle Dress-Up Wings, $128.00

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Yea….these are really cute wings. But, no. For $128?  No.

 

Kaye Blegvad Measuring Cup Set, $28.00

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Now, I don’t normally include duplicates of gift items on the list, but this shit cracks me up. The angry faces that these cats are giving you for wasting your money on this shit is cracking my ass up!
But wait,  there’s more!

 

Ribbon-Tied Faux Fur Ascot, $48.00

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I chose to close this year’s list with a gift for the teacher in your life. The teacher who puts up with your annoying precocious child all year is not even expecting a gift from you. He or she is just happy for winter break so that they can decompress from the fucking insanity hectic pace of the first half of the school year. However, if you so choose to give generously from your heart to your child’s teacher…do not gift them this polyester mess. For starters, no one wears ascots. Stop fooling and do not buy into Delusional Nancy’s sphere of absurdity. Secondly, everyone wears scarves. Get a scarf. Thirdly, doesn’t the model in the photo look like she is so sick of wearing this damn thing? Yea, she does.

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How to have a Stella-r Snow Day

At long last, we have been blessed with the possibility of an actual snowstorm- Snowstorm Stella.  Winter 2016/2017 has been one of the mildest winters on record, but alas! March 2017 is proving to be the most fickle month ever. I have become accustomed to not putting too much faith into previous winter’s behavior. Every year we get hotter and hotter and the seasons become less and less. Continue reading “How to have a Stella-r Snow Day”

Scheming and Pipe-Dreaming

Mondays are truly the worst! After a relaxing weekend of mimosa sipping and t.v. watching, having to get up, get dressed, and put on a bra is just too much to ask sometimes. Yesterday was no exception.

As a communications professional, I spend 90% of my time staring off into the nether webs of information and cat videos. Despite managing multiple department websites and social media platforms, I all too often find myself bored beyond belief. It may be shocking to find out, but updating a website and posting to Facebook and Twitter does not, in fact, take up 8 hours of the day.

<insert multiple “shocked” gifs here>

Oh hell, here’s one.

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So, what do I do on these days where my mind never ceases to wander, and I am left daydreaming of what I should be doing had I become the independently wealthy philanthropist I thought I would be by now?

I make fictitious wine bottle labels for my fictitious vineyard. I would sell these bottles in my fictitious wine bar that is located in my very real neighborhood. The wine bar would also be located next to my fictitious vintage clothing and home decor store. When I daydream, I go full lifestyle brand.

I marched, now what?

At 5:45 am, Saturday morning, I laid awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. My body was apparently ready to get going. So, that’s what I did. I got up and made my way to Baltimore’s Pennsylvania Station to board the MARC train to Union Station with 6 other friends. Three of them brand new to me that morning. We stood outside in the dreary rain mist for two and a half hours waiting to board a train. Continue reading “I marched, now what?”

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Be on Trend- Give Your Mom a Succulent Planter for Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day has totally snuck up on me. I know, it’s this Sunday so technically there’s still time for a last-minute gift. However, I am more of a two weeks out planner, but I was just now able to get the materials for this succulent planter. I honestly don’t even know if my mom likes succulents. I know she likes plants, so I’m just going to go with it. Continue reading “Be on Trend- Give Your Mom a Succulent Planter for Mother’s Day”

Shopping the Anthropologie Gift Guide

Ah, the holiday shopping season’s last minute craze has officially begun. Stores are emailing you every hour about last minute sales and new inventory additions. Facebook is a virtual shopping circulator with all the ads that are popping up and following you from your recent Google searches. Continue reading “Shopping the Anthropologie Gift Guide”

5 Things I Saw On Pinterest That I Don’t Understand

  1. Popsicle Stick Bracelets

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Pinterest is full of crafty crap like this. Time suck crafts that never turn out looking like the image and bring your self-esteem down. Continue reading “5 Things I Saw On Pinterest That I Don’t Understand”

5 Things I Saw on Pinterest that I REALLY REALLY Want

There is a saying that “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”. I would like to amend that saying and add “Idle hands in possession of a smartphone with the Pinterest app on it are the devil’s playground”.   Continue reading “5 Things I Saw on Pinterest that I REALLY REALLY Want”

Shield Your Eyes – Someone You Know is Bound to Have Lilly for Target

This past Sunday, Target released it’s hotly anticipated spring collaboration with the brightly colored Lilly Pulitzer brand. The brand best known for it’s shrill color schemes and prints reminiscent of lava lamp matter quickly became a trending hashtag (#LillyforTarget). Normal retail prices for Lilly Pulitzer range from $38 for a tee shirt (that from what I can tell, doesn’t do anything at all) to $298 for a shift dress that Betty Draper might wear next week on Mad Men. There’s also something called Luxletic, that seems to be athletic inspired wear that you put on when you want the clerks at Whole Foods to notice the tan you just paid for.

Now, I have nothing against the Lilly Pulitzer brand — if you want to go around looking like the physical manifestation of someone’s acid trip, so be it, but the connotation that I get from Lilly Pulitzer is “elitist”. If the garish prints don’t scare you away, the snide remarks from the people wearing it will.  But, if you are still undeterred, then you were probably among the few many who stood outside of Target stores across the country, waiting for the trembling sales associates to unlock the door.

Or, maybe you were among the other crazy  completely normal people who just stayed up until 3am to order items online. Want to know what I was doing at 3am Sunday morning? Well, I honestly don’t remember because I spent the day drinking watching horse racing at Pimlico. I took in enough Lilly Pulitzer to last a lifetime while I was there, thankyouverymuch.

Snark aside, I think it’s awesome that Target has these collections every year. There’s no way I could afford to buy anything from Templerly of London, Phillip Lim, Zac Posen, or Prabal Gurung any other way. But, dammit Target, get your shit together. When everything in the store is sold out within 5 minutes, there is a huge problem with the current system. When your website crashes, multiple times, within half an hour, there is a problem. You should know this by now. You’ve had years of practice at this. Like the wise Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better”. I’m fairly certain I saw that bedazzled on a crop top in the Juniors section there.

The simple fact that the plus size collection was only available online is enough to piss me off. It’s already hard enough for people to find plus sized clothing that doesn’t look like drapes  Scarlett O’Hara sewed together. You couldn’t even make the items available in the store? And how many society girl tears have to be shed before some buying limits are put in place? People have already flocked to eBay with their Lilly for Target spoils and marked up prices. Miss out on the $60 beach chairs? You can get them for $500 here. This shift dress is now available for over double the price here. Need it in plus size? It’s over two and a half times the original price.

It’s not hard to say “Limit two per customer”. The grocery store says it all the time! For all you fashion masochists who are truly scarred, you can see all you missed out on here.

One good thing that has happened throughout this lurid, printed fiasco is that I have reignited my passion for lawn sports. Croquet anyone?