It’s that time of year folks – time to shop the Anthropologie Gift Guide!
In this ever depressing political climate, isn’t it nice to know that we can always depend on Anthropologie to provide us with unrealistic gifts that we can spend our hard earned money on? I mean, the buyers at Anthropologie are truly doing God’s work.
Let’s stay blessed and dive in, shall we?
Vivid Faux Fur Vest, $148
I’m not sure why something like this exists, but I am glad that it does because Anthropologie likes to keep one on the roster every year. However, this one is unique due to its sweater back. This feature may seem irrelevant, but it is not. This feature allows the wearer to pretend that they’re actually wearing something that is perfectly normal. From the front, the wearer of this atrocity is truly insane. But! But! But, from the back, they’re just wearing a really drab gray sweater vest. And don’t we all need to indulge in delusions every now and then?
Dottie Honey Pot, $20
This is undoubtedly adorable. The little gold dots and glazing cracks are all so very quaint. People who can utilize things like this are magnificent creatures. Still, I have questions. How does one use this as a honey dispenser and not waste all the honey? That hive dipper would have to be cleaned every time you use it. And I guess that’s what you do with spoons when you dispense honey any other way, but somehow, that doesn’t bother me as much. This irritates me at its inefficiency. Also, having to clean this after using all the honey (which is never going to happen because it will spoil before you use it all so you’ll be cleaning out wasted honey more often than not) would be annoying.
Sugar Cookie Measuring Cups, $32
These are very cute and I guess that if you completely redecorate your entire house upon every new holiday, then this is appropriate. Purchase away! It’s obviously more of a decoration than practical use item. However, that’s where my practical mind shuts down. Spend $32 on decorative measuring cups that are more likely than not approximate measurements and thus not accurate that you can only use for a small fraction of the year…..but why tho?
Reindeer Candle Snuffer, $18.00
Back to our dear friend, Delusional Nancy, whom we met when she purchased that woodland creature vest. Delusional Nancy thinks she is living in the 18th century. Delusional Nancy loves to be quaint and pretends she can’t just blow out a candle before she goes to bed. She’s also one of those who dabbles in the impractical and redecorates her entire house in preparation for the new holiday season.
Metallic 2018 Desk Calendar, $62.00
I’ll admit that this is very pretty. I love desk accessories and I like shiny objects, so this is a double win for me. However, at $62 for a calendar that I will only be able to use one year…Imma have to say that’s a no for me dog. Pretty calendars are always a weakness for me. Especially ones that have sketches and pretty prints. But those can be repurposed as art to hang on the wall. This is just a hard card that has gold foil on the edges. That I can only use once. I don’t like things that I can only use once. I really don’t like spending $62 on something I can only use once. That’s not cool. Anthro, why you trying to keep me in the poor house?
Longwood Flower Clip, $18.00
This lovely desk set that will bruise the palms of your hands ranges from $18 to $26. The lengths that Anthropologies goes to in order to injure its consumer is becoming alarming. Are we not allowed to hold things comfortably anymore? Must every aspect of our life be rife with pain and suffering? Thanks, Trump!
Side note: Why does the ruler only go to 6 inches? Are we changing standard measurements now?
Also side note: Why do you even need a gold flower paper clip? What is the actual use for this? Am I missing out on clipping unwritten papers?
Daneson Flavored Toothpick Set, $46.00
This is a thing? This is a thing that people use and want and spend money on? They come in flavors: cinnamint, mint, lemon, single malt, bourbon, and salted birch. Let’s move past the impracticality of these flavored toothpicks, because Anthro gonna Anthro. But, for $50 you can buy so many more toothpicks. Granted they don’t taste like salted birch (uh…you’re welcome) but you also will get more than 72 toothpicks. Canada, I thought better of you.
Orbitkey Stitched Key Ring, $39.90
This is something I would totally buy if it was on sale and I had cash in my wallet and had possibly been out to brunch and partaked in a few mimosas. It reminds me of those Allen wrench sets and it’s also rather gadget like in its appearance. What can I say, I like tools and gadgets. However, this would cause me to have separate key chains for my car keys and my house keys and that’s just impractical – our word of the day!
Claude Dozorme Champagne Sabre, $598.00
Every list needs a good belly laugh inducing gift that will NEVER be actually purchased. I mean, please tell me someone has not actually purchased this. I need to see the P/L statement from Anthropologie for the end of the year. I need to have my mind put at ease.
Knomo World Travel Power Adapter, $79.00
This is something that I would LOVE to actually get as a gift. Not only do I like gadgets and tools, but I also love practical gifts. This would hit ALL THE BUTTONS! Hear that universe? Send me someone who will give me practical gifts! I don’t travel nearly enough to actually deserve this as a gift (cover your ears universe), but fortunately, this would be something that wouldn’t become outdated in two years, unlike some gadgets.
Little One Growth Chart, $42.00
Ain’t this sweet! A cloth growth chart for kids that you can measure their height on- wait…no you can’t. You can’t really write on it and there’s no room to put little Florence’s height every year. HmmmmAlso, how you hang this will totally affect the accuracy of the height measurements. So…..this is really just a $42 canvas that you can hang in your daughter’s room and collect dust. Nice.
And Then, Story Starters, $24.95
I selected this because growing up, I loved story time with my mom. It supremely affected the way I regard stories and storytelling. So, in spirit, this is an awesome gift and I am here for it. However, I have questions. Like, why they gotta be cards? You know that they will end up scattered all over the floor. They will get lost, destroyed, chewed on by the dog. I feel that companies that manufacture children’s gifts do this shit on purpose. They create these awesome items and then they make them impossible to keep clean and whole. That way, you buy more. That way you stay hooked on the purchase train. Not cool.
Desaccord Tulle Dress-Up Wings, $128.00
Yea….these are really cute wings. But, no. For $128? No.
Kaye Blegvad Measuring Cup Set, $28.00
Now, I don’t normally include duplicates of gift items on the list, but this shit cracks me up. The angry faces that these cats are giving you for wasting your money on this shit is cracking my ass up!
But wait, there’s more!
Ribbon-Tied Faux Fur Ascot, $48.00
I chose to close this year’s list with a gift for the teacher in your life. The teacher who puts up with your
annoying precocious child all year is not even expecting a gift from you. He or she is just happy for winter break so that they can decompress from the fucking insanity hectic pace of the first half of the school year. However, if you so choose to give generously from your heart to your child’s teacher…do not gift them this polyester mess. For starters, no one wears ascots. Stop fooling and do not buy into Delusional Nancy’s sphere of absurdity. Secondly, everyone wears scarves. Get a scarf. Thirdly, doesn’t the model in the photo look like she is so sick of wearing this damn thing? Yea, she does.