Ah, the holiday shopping season’s last minute craze has officially begun. Stores are emailing you every hour about last minute sales and new inventory additions. Facebook is a virtual shopping circulator with all the ads that are popping up and following you from your recent Google searches.
Alas, Anthropologie is here to help you. What? Were you unaware of how much Anthropologie cared? How rude…
Colorblock Faux-Fur Stole, $188
Description: In a beautiful village situated between Dartmoor and Exmoor in rural England, Helen Moore heads a family business that stands for British quality.
Ohh, this is fancy! This is from another country fancy. Yes, you have to get this for your sister who just broke up with her boyfriend. It’s the perfect New Years Eve faux-fur stole to help her get over that scumbag! Just tell her to avoid any lit candles, drunk people lighting cigarettes, and over heated light displays, cause this shit is acrylic.
Les Femmes 2016 Calendar, $28
You know that person who always wanted to work at a fashion magazine and sorta kinda thought she was the Carrie of the group? This is a gift for her.
Also, a gift for me because I love fashion-y sketches and I’m a fan of Garance Doré’s sketches.
Nyssa Circlet Headband, $425
Description: After getting her degree in sculpture and art history, Jennifer Behr honed her skills crafting custom headpieces in a tiny millinery shop. In 2005, she launched her line of bohemian hair accessories with beautifully complex details – think Swarovski crystals set in dark metal, ethereal curled silk petals, hand-braided nautical rope and supple French leathers.
Okay, not to knock Jennifer’s talent, but what in the hell? Why would I spend $425 on a HEADBAND? MADE OF BRASS AND METALLIC CORD??? Does Jennifer not know that Target has a Hair Accessories aisle that sells stuff that is very similar to this? Hell, there’s probably a whole Etsy community that makes these things for around $15. Do better Anthropologie! $425 is more than half my rent. Know what I can’t live in? This headband.
Faribault map woolen Throw, $178.50 ( originally $238)
Description: Founded in 1865, the Faribault Woolen Mill Company is still hand-crafting their iconic soft goods 150 years later in one of the last remaining woolen mills in America. This throw is based on a vintage city map, with the reverse image on the opposite side.
This grownup sized blankie was listed under the “For Him” section of the Anthropologie Gift guide. Is there a special someone of the male persuasion that you just know would love to curl up in this? Your boyfriend? Your father? I’m sure this is a very comfortable throw, but is this really what Anthropologie thinks guys want?
Proof Old Fashioned Cocktail Syrup, $60 for a set of three
Description: Created by bartenders at The Pinewood in Decatur, Ga., these flavored mixes for are made with two different kinds of oleo saccharum for an Old Fashioned with a deep and complex flavor.
Why do the “For Him” gifts always revolve around alcoholic beverages? Out of the 82 gifts, 22 were alcohol related. From Old Fashioned tumblers to bottle openers to this Carry On Cocktail Kit. Why do guys get the fun gift suggestions and the ladies get stuck with fake color blocked scarves that will catch on fire if you stand too close to Uncle Larry when he lights up his pipe?
Digital Nixie Clock, $238
Hibernating Bear Activity Blanket, $178
Does anyone at Anthropologie know what a baby is? This is a dry clean only, lamb’s wool blanket. From Scottland. That’s $178. You know what a baby is going to do to this $178 dry clean only, lamb’s wool blanket from Scottland? The baby is going to throw up on it and shit on it. You see that look on the bear’s face? That bear knows what his life is about to become and he is not happy about it.
Baby’s First Dinner Set, $98
Description: This lovingly handmade gift set is the result of a collaboration between Brooklyn ceramicists Odette Williams and Jean Devine.
Oh, of course this is from people in Brooklyn. Of fucking course. I am still not convinced the buyers and merchandisers at Anthropologie are aware of what actual human babies do. And what the hell is that decorative star for?
Gentle Creature Rag Doll, $130
Description: Jess Brown is a textile artist in Petaluma, California whose artisan rag dolls are hand-sewn from antique and recycled fabrics. Her exquisite attention to detail lends personality and mystery to her creations.
This is really cute. This is not $130 cute. Nor is it a gift you give a child (ages 3 and up). This is a waste of $130. If you would like to throw away $130, message me and I can help you out with that problem.
Cheers bottle opener, $10
This is neat looking and it’s not too expensive. But, it seems uncomfortable as hell to hold in your hand and use to open a bottle of beer. That point on the “h” looks sharp as all get out.
This is listed in the “For the Hostess” section. What hostess doesn’t already have a bottle opener? None. A hostess without a bottle opener is just your annoying neighbor from down the street who keeps hassling you to come over and watch that documentary they shot in college. I already told you I’m busy, Denise!
copper-clad desk accessories, $60-$85
These are admittedly, rather neat. I like desk accessories. However, they’re not quite special enough for me to spend $60- $85 on. Again, has NO ONE at Anthropologie been to TARGET? They have shit like this all the time. This was in the gift section for Teachers. Let me just tell you. If you want to get a teacher a gift for putting up with your annoying, snotty nosed, know-it-all child, get them a $30 gift card to the wine store and promise not to send little Jimmy into school with the flu anymore.
Done. You’re welcome.