How to Land Your Husband

How to Land Your Husband: An easy to follow guide

This simple to use and fun guide will help you navigate the wilds of the single jungle and get you ready to meet your long-term relationship partner in no time! Just follow these simple steps[1] and voila! You’re well on your way to fulfilling your goal of being married.

People think that dating is easy, but we at It Takes A Village know it’s hard work. First things first, start smiling. Smile at everything. That ticket you just got for running the red light? Smile. Your boss just sent you an inappropriate text? Smile! Besides, who doesn’t enjoy a dick pic first thing in the morning? What a wonderful way to start your day! People like people who are smiling. It makes them feel safe. If you’re single and not smiling, people will wonder what is wrong with you. What reason would a single person have for not smiling? You’re single. The world is your oyster! No one cares if you don’t eat oysters. That’s not the point.

Next, maintain your appearance. You are single and therefore you must always be dressed to the nines, because you never know when you may meet THE ONE. I don’t care if you have the flu and are going to the urgent care facility around the corner from your pathetic studio apartment. Slap some lipstick on and run a comb through that hair! What man is going to want to take you home to mom and dad if you’re not even going to make an attempt at looking good? While we’re on the subject of appearances, stop wearing the following items: sweatpants, baggy clothing (Just what are you hiding under there? That’s what he’ll wonder), bandanas, tie dye (Are you a hippy? Nobody likes hippies), and really high heels (You don’t want to appear taller than the man. Ever. Nor do you want to appear slutty. Remember, sweet and sexy, not sassy and easy).

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about some behaviors. Are you approachable? Are you exuding a warm and welcoming demeanor? Would men love to come up from behind and caress you in a loving and not at all frightening manner? Not sure of this? Here’s a simple test: are older men constantly asking you why you’re not smiling? If you answered yes, then, you fail. You are not approachable and you are scaring the living daylights out of potential suitors. STOP IT! Fix your resting bitch face now! These wise old men know what they are talking about. They understand that in order to truly know if a woman is the one for them, she must always wear the blank gaze of a highly drugged psychiatric patient. Her lips ever so slightly curved up and a glassy sheen to her eyes. Practice this look in the mirror while you listen to your roommates discussing their feminist agendas. You do not have time for these “feminist agendas”. What are “feminist agendas” you ask? Well, let me tell you….they’re nonsense. All this flabbergasting about equal pay and equal rights is going to land you alone and childless. Do you want to be alone and childless? Are you willing to sacrifice not getting married and having kids so that you can make the same amount as your male counterpart? What does it matter if you’re making the same amount when you’ll be at home raising your 2.5 kids? You’re only born with a certain number of eggs missy, don’t let them dry up and shrivel inside of you like marzipan that was left out on the counter because you fell asleep after having that 6th glass of sherry while baking Christmas cookies for the church social. Tragedies are best avoided.

All of this is not to discourage you from getting a well-rounded education. No man wants an air-headed bimbo for a wife. You must be able to satisfy him intellectually. We recommend offering him stimulating conversations regarding the weather, the new sales clerk at the grocery store, and whether or not your new neighbors are communists[2]. Men love to hear these details of your day, but only after they’ve had their second Scotch.

Last but not least, let’s discuss flirting techniques. When sitting alone at the bar, a young lady may be approached by a striking young lad. He offers to buy her a drink and she politely accepts. They begin to talk about their lives and because he is a mature and kind young lad, he asks for her opinion on current events. What does our young lady do? Well, if she has taken and passed our Flirting 101 course, she knows to divert this question with a light touch on the lad’s forearm, followed by a coy reply of “Well, [insert man’s name here], what do you think?” This is the only appropriate answer to questions from a man while flirting. Always refer back to his opinion. Strong wills and high opinions will land you in a boarding home for unmarried spinsters. Where you’ll end up sharing Pinterest boards titled How to Travel As a Single Lady Over 50. Does that sound depressing to you? It should! It was depressing to me just writing it.

We at It Takes A Village are dedicated to offering the women of today, the techniques of yesterday to provide them with a husband for tomorrow. Enroll now[3] to take advantage of the following courses: Cooking for Two not One; How to Sew, Darn, and Drink enough vodka to Fix Anything; and our newly introduced course, Asking For It- Ways You’re Attracting The Wrong Guy.

 

[1] Repetition of steps may be necessary for truly incorrigible women.

[2] We know that communism is rarely seen as the plight on this great nation as it once was, but here at It Takes A Village, we have adapted the definition of communists to include democrats, progressive Christians, homosexuals, and the like.

[3] Credit Cards and Checks welcomed. Must have father’s consent.

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