Future American Indulgence Think Piece Footnote

The Anthropologie Gift Guide may not contain the finished Mueller report, but it does have dog shaped cookie jars, so that’s not nothing!

It’s currently pouring down rain in Baltimore. It has been raining since Friday evening. Let’s all indulge in some escapism and peruse the Anthropologie Gift Guide. Who’s got last minute gifts to purchase?

Dress-Up Pup Cape $ 28


Thinking about giving your pup a Christmas gift? How about a $28 cape that they will likely wear once and then run away from you every time you attempt to dress them in it again.

I don’t have a dog; I have two cats. If I even thought about possibly buying a cape for them, they would trip me and eat my face for dinner.

Dapper Dog Cookie Jar $68

Dapper Dog Cookie Jar

This doggie treat cookie jar comes in Corgie, Daschound, and Poodle. The poodle looks like it will talk to you and plot your death when you stop listening to it.

Have fun with that!

Plush Applique Dog Bed $168


This is one dapper looking dog. He or She seems to love this doggie bed. Do they love it enough to make up for the fact that their owner spent nearly $200 on a dog bed that will be covered in drool, dander, dust, and maybe fleas?

Will they love it enough to not pull off every fucking one of those damn fuchsia pom poms? No, they won’t.

Fauna Fete Mug $16 


Are those fucking antlers? I’m supposed to hold this and trust and believe that those gilded antlers will not break off mid sip?

Can whoever purchases this future paperclip holder let me know how soon the antlers broke off?

Christine Trinket Dish $22 


This is a great gift to give to your new girlfriend who you’re not really sure likes stuff like this, but it’s a sweet gesture so she’ll have it for years after you guys break up because you’re both just too damaged.

Giles and Brothers Mens Cufflinks $138

Giles _ Brother Mens Cufflinks

Do men still wear cufflinks? Do the men who still wear cufflinks have wives, mothers, sisters, or girlfriends who shop at Anthropologie? Do these men who still wear cufflinks shop at Anthropologie? Do these men who still wear cufflinks want cufflinks that look like bolts?

Marble Dominos $158

Dominos Set

This is the perfect gift to show off how fancy you think you are, but will absolutely go unused. No one who loves dominoes is going to play with a set that costs $158.

These dominoes have marble and brass inlays.




Leather Hook Keychain $118


 I could buy a nice leather purse for what this keychain costs. A leather purse that will last a lot longer than this keychain. But, hey, you only live once and why not spend impulsively in these end times?

Josephine Wood Inlay Champagne Saber $698


This is a very expensive future murder weapon that will be prominently featured in the ensuing trial and push the Anthropologie Gift Guide into the stratosphere. No less than 100 think pieces will be penned with the frivolity of American Indulgence at their core.

Jesus wept.

Orell Pizza Cutter $28 

Orell Pizza Cutter

 What do you give someone who’s housewarming party you’ve been suckered into going to? This pizza cutter.

What do you give to your secret Santa at work when you totally forgot to look at their likes and are already at Anthropologie buying your sister a new Capri candle for her birthday? This pizza cutter.

What’s gold and fancy looking, yet also seems uncomfortable to hold and somehow very cheap.

This pizza cutter.

Textured Wool Wine Tote $50


This is the gift you give someone who jokes that they want the champagne saber.

Takenaka Chopstick Set $10

Takenaka Chopstick Set

I will end this year’s gift guide with a sensible gift that I actually want. I love sushi and I love practical gifts that help me become more environmentally sustainable. Plus, who wouldn’t want to pull out your personal set of chopsticks next time they’re at the sushi bar?

Plus plus, the case comes in five colors.

Never change Anthro, never change