5 a.m. – Wake up, turn off alarm, and pretend you don’t actually have to get up. Five seconds later, force yourself out of bed and stretch. Your dog stretches with you. He feels your pain. No, actually, he doesn’t care. What he does care about is you walking him. Now. Go through your morning routine: empty your bladder, brush your teeth, wash your face, change into yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Consider how much yoga you actually do in said yoga pants (none) and decide to call them “dog walking pants” from now on.
5:15 a.m. – Quickly walk your dog around the block. Scan the shadows for stranger danger and early bird (or night owl) prostitutes. Mentally kick yourself for thinking that waking up at 5 am so that you can commute to a job in DC was a great idea. The opportunity! The Experience! Ugh….
5:30 a.m. – Rush to get ready for work back at your apartment. Pour a bowl of the same cereal you’ve been eating for three months straight. Make a mental note to buy different cereal next time you go grocery shopping, then make an actual note on your shopping list pad on the fridge. Check your pantry for signs of THE MOUSE. Mentally curse THE MOUSE and roll your eyes at how you haven’t evolved to have laser beams shoot from your eyes yet. Cyclops was one lucky bastard.
6:00 a.m. – Drive to the train station listening to NPR. Momentarily think about how adult you are for listening to NPR. Look at you, being cultured and informed. Immediately forget all of that as some ass-hat cuts you off. It’s freaking 6 a.m.! Where does HE have to be that’s sooooo important? Look down at the clock and press down on the accelerator….you’re never going to find a parking space now.
6:10 a.m. – Circle around the block for the fifth time. WHAT. THE. FUCK. How is it that there are no parking spaces when you arrive a mere 5 minutes later than you usually do? How does that even happen? Where did all of these people come from? Eventually park in a spot that looks like a spot, but could really not be a spot if a parking enforcement officer decides to be a dick that day. Please don’t let the parking enforcement officer be a dick today….please.
7:25 a.m. – Enjoy having the double train seat to yourself until someone sits down. Briefly glance up to see if said someone is an attractive male. Quickly look down upon finding out that he is not. Continue reading your book.
7:30 a.m. – Reach the end of the novel you are reading for your book club. Muster up every nerve to not cry on the train. MUST. NOT. CRY. OVER. STUPIDLY. WONDERFUL. MAGNIFICENT. BOOK.
7:45 a.m. – Speed walk to your office building after fighting your way through the subway and up the escalator. Does this ever get any easier?
8:15 a.m. – Drink first (technically second cup since you made coffee at home before you left) cup of coffee at work. Proceed to go through your emails and calendar to figure out what to work on.
9:00 a.m. – Drink second (third) cup of coffee. Check Facebook. Scroll through your Twitter feed. Minimize windows and pull up a random Word document when someone walks by.
10:00 a.m. – Search Google for images of cats eating sushi. Email coworker picture of cat licking sushi. Ask if sushi lunch is still happening.
10:30 a.m. – Accept appointment invitation for sushi lunch via Outlook.
11:45 a.m. – Meet coworkers at the elevators for your sushi lunch. Spend the next hour joking around and thoroughly enjoying your coworkers/friends. Make a mental note to try to keep in touch with them when you leave this job. It’s only been 4 months, but damn this commute. Voice your concern about how long you can stay here after another coworker brings up the same issue: “I mean, I don’t have a baby crying for food. Why the fuck am I getting up at 5 a.m.?” Mentally pat yourself on the back when they laugh at your joke. Continue laughing and joking around. These chicks rule.
1:00 p.m. – Pretend to read the budget report the CEO emailed you yesterday. Scroll through Instagram on your phone. Play your turn in three Words with Friends games. Wish you had started using the cheat website. What word can you make from GVUAAI?
2:00 p.m. – Make a mental note to masturbate tonight. Wait, will you be too tired? Sigh when it dawns on you that you just scheduled a date night with yourself and almost backed out due to exhaustion and possible headache.
3:50 p.m. – Shut down your computer and pack up your things. Attempt to contain the sheer excitement you have just knowing you get to go home and do nothing for two whole days. The weekend – what a lovely concept. Remind yourself to rewatch an episode of The Leftovers – the one with him running.
4:30 p.m. – Sit on the train and realize you didn’t bring another book to read. DAMN. IT. Listen to your iPod and pretend to fall asleep.
6:30 p.m. – Eat dinner alone, while sitting on the living room floor, using the coffee table. Debate ordering a movie and settle for Netflix in bed with a glass of red wine.
11:45 p.m. – Fall asleep and dream of about Justin Theroux.