This time of year everyone is all about the “Best of 2013” and what resolutions they’re going to make. But, even better than those lists, are the “Things You Should No Longer Be Doing” lists because you’re a woman, a man, a twenty-something, or a woman in her 30’s. Everyone seems to know everything now that the year’s over. Where were they on April 16th when you were sitting on your kitchen counter eating a whole tub of cookie dough because that dick from accounting didn’t call you back? They were off composing those lists of course.
I could join in the ranks and talk about how I’ve got all the answers and the key to how to make your 2014, THE BEST YEAR EVER! This year will be the year you find the slimmest you! You’re going to be so slim, no one will see you! This year everyone you know is going to knock down your door because you’re going to master these 10 recipes that every 28 year old needs to know by heart. Not only are you going to be skinny and strong and a master chef, but- wait for it- this year you’ll also find your dream guy!
That’s right folks. Everything in your life means nothing if you aren’t your slimmest you! That master’s degree program you’re in is bollocks if you don’t master a signature dish this year. Next Christmas, you’ll be the girl shoving her ring finger into the camera while your bitter single friend (so sad) plots your slow death. And all you have to do in order to have the perfect life is stop doing these stupid things you’re doing and start doing the stupid things that [ insert random website name here] tells you that you need to do this year.
Well, my resolution is to not make any resolutions. I’m not worried about 2014 being the best year ever. 2014 can just be straight up mediocre for all I care. I’m already a great cook. My body is just fine the way the it is; although I do plan to get back into exercising more. I don’t want 2014 to be the year I keel over from a heart attack because of all the burgers, cheese, and beer I consume. I guess I should run or something.
My one goal for 2014 is to make it through it alive. My bar is so low, it’s a line on the crappy linoleum floor in my mother’s kitchen. Meeting my dream guy online has nothing to do with that goal. 2014 is the year I refuse to try online dating EVER AGAIN. My dream guy is not on OKcupid or Plenty of Fish, asking me how much I like sneakers.
Dreamboat: Hey, your hot
Dreamboat: what r u doin?
Me: Nothing. What are you doing?
Dreamboat: just got back from the mall. got some new sneakers.
Me: Sneakers are cool.
Dreamboat: yea wanna make out?
Me: no [delete]
2013 was the year I found all the places my dream guy is not located. Here’s a comprehensive list:
Plenty of Fish
Baltimore County libraries
Baltimore City libraries
Barnes & Noble (though I did get hit on my an older fellow who told me I looked “Good”)
Local gas stations
Random chain restaurants
Local liquor stores
Now, while I am obviously super bummed I didn’t meet my dream guy at any of the above listed destinations of love, the farmer’s market kinda stung. I figured my dream guy would go to the farmer’s market and get cool sausages and fresh peppers to cook. I was so wrong. So horribly wrong. You know what kind of guy hangs out at the farmer’s market? Guys with girlfriends. Or guys with wives and 2.5 kids in huge strollers that take up all the available space and are blocking my access to Zeke’s coffee. Can I just get a pound of Tell Tale Dark and an iced coffee without having to give your kid the stink eye?
So, I’m declaring 2014 to be the year I go to the farmer’s market without pretenses. 2014 will be the year I will stop rolling my eyes at the cute couples with their adorable interracial babies. No sarcasm here folks. Just a girl trying to get some kale and maybe a crepe. 2014 will be just another year, where things will either happen or not happen. I’ll just be along for the ride.